Ivana Acevski – MORBID DIATHESIS book

A sneak preview in My new book about “scandal” called Acevski/Todorovski   a.k.a transference gone wrong or is it not ?

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“morbid diathesis”
by Ivana Acevski

“My heart…ripped from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. Penniless I am .So is that why you are ignoring me?
And if I could, I would plunge my fingers through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you.
My heart … A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis.”

In addition to my heart, there are some small organs that I want to give you: glands… sweetbreads… variety meats.
I’m offering these gifts. Rare gifts. I know that they don’t amount to much in the face of what you’ve given me.
I’ve heard these organs can’t survive outside the body for more than a few hours. But I’ll try to get there as soon as I can. That is, if you d take it … Whatever happens, it will be on me. On my heart.”

Thus wrote Lou. in a letter to him….

Whispering soft derange broken words were playing in circles of her mind. She sat on the field of sorrow, raped by the sweet torture feeling of confusion, She lost her way and for the first time in her life she knew how it was to be her, how it was to lose everything and to start it all over again. There was no anger on her gestures, no regret on her confessions, no signs of hurt on the outside but those glittering eyes filled with a life she didn’t even knew it was to exist inside her. Ironically, losing herself was a way of finding her soul, of defining her existence.

It was a sunny day, as all days usually are when it s smells like catastrophe, She was on her way to see him …but, there’s no right way to follow to get to him. Only a twisted path in front of her, willing to give her everything and then to take it all back.
She came to him crazy, she went from him insane
(fucked up. psychotic .deeply disturbed, dark, pathologically possessive, AND OBSESSIVE to be free to admit her own self to him)

JUST THE WAY she LIKES IT. IS THERE any OTHER WAY TO BE? WHEN WE GIVE OURSELVES.

Tranquilizers gazing upon her, minding nothing but the way to feel free. There’s no point in pretending.
She starts to understand, what is going on…

She try to play correct, she is ripped in parts.

Ambivalence … Ambivalence… Ambivalence…

She become aware of poison, but it s too late, it is already gotten deep in bloodstream… making her degutted and agitated.

Strangely she doesn’t feel quilt, she wants so much to feel the feeling. But, she keeps comforting  herself , by repeating  and repeating , till it become auto-suggestive in order to convince herself, that ,what she is going through  is  pure and innocent she blurs her mind and perception , she pronounced her feelings as pure and innocent and scientifically justified

She, couldn’t stop, she must not stop, not for the moment and ask her inner self is she just deluding herself, on innocent part?

Although, it crossed her mind for tiny brief second, but as quickly as she could, she dropped and lost that question. Lost it somewhere on the trip, to him, filled with tripping…

While she was entering his street…she felt like she can’t move, her body got so heavy, puling her down, deep in the ground …
Dark black hair on her pale white skin, old ugly taste of life, freezing touch of reality.
She text him, about traffic jam and that she’ll be late …she needed a moment.

She is hesitating, after all , he dose intimate her , he intimidate her…he s got the power over her ,she never felt before , actually she never felt subject to the power of anybody ,nor does she knows authority nor do respect one. She was always just indulging herself by taking others into her own manipulative web.
-Three words she connected to him,
Power,
Authority,
and Lust.

As a response to those three, …FEAR comes and shadows all previously felt connected with those three words. After all, what else could she relate to those three?

She does not have appropriate feeling response for those three words. Only FEAR, pure fear and nothing but the fear … so help her, God.
All that fear, raised more fear, and more doubt, until she turned stone cold…

Paralyzed from panic.

Does it mean he can possess her?
He can really get to know her, in way she do not allowed to be possessed or be known.
Dose it means she will mentally belong to him, will he take her mind freedom?

The most horrific and the biggest fear, the king of all fear … in few lines.
Shall she be dependent on him?
Shall she subject herself to his power?
Shall it be willingly?

…anxiety overwhelmed her.

-SHE CRASHES DOWN on stairs of an old ruined building, prepared for crashing down. Signs on the road. She took notice …
She knows… HE WONT ALLOWED TO BE MANIPULATED.

Unarmed…she spoke to him words of her damaged song in her interrupted mind …
To give my gun away when it’s loaded?

Is that all right?

If you don’t shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?
Is that all right With you?
She imagines he would reply:

Leave me out with the waste,

This is not what I do .It’s the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
it’s the wrong time for you to pull me through

It’s a small crime to you, And I’ve got no excuse.

Is that all right, With you?”

IS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH HER?

What dose she wants? …

To be empowered by him or to discriminate him in to the pieces and until the bones and bathe him in filth in order to kill the feeling of a deadly need.

He was all of her s 9 crimes.

Is it too late? Might it be that THE WORST already took place?
now she FEELS LIKE SHE LL PASS OUT she is scared to breath …SHE SCREAMS deep inside  , DOSE THIS MAN ,already  REALLY KNOWS her, DID IT HAPPEN WITHOUT her CLEARANCE , agonizing  herself with blame , HOW COULD SHE LET IT HAPPEN ….
Connection is so dangerous; she can and cannot admit…

She d AFTER ALL assigned him as just medicine man.

What did she missed, how could she be so sloppy, how could she lost her way, blame was killing her.
THE VOICE within SAID “DIDN T YOU WANNA FEEL, HOW DOSE IT FEEL? SOMETIMES JUST WANTING IS ENOUGH …to give clearance on trespassing in your territory
Is he intruder on her territory or welcomed guest…?

She decided it s not good time for her to face him, she stood up, walked towards the road and raised her finger for a lift. Felt like running again…

To Whom is she running?
From whom is she running?

She do not know, destination unknown as usual, but path look familiar…

Wherever she is going, as always, is exactly where she needs to be,

Far a way from disclosing herself to him.

Not knowingly why, as if she left her body and had no control over it, her legs were changing direction one more time.
She turned back, made few steps and rang on his doorbell.
As always, he smiled.

He dose smile… She never knew person that smiles so seriously, so distantly yet so intimately.

She wonders, did they train him in university, to smile professionally as well…
-She said, “Oh my god feel my heart”

He did …he felt her heart beat
She tries to cover up, why is she shaking

-“ I just got the worst taxi drive” …she could not look him in the eyes …
He is silent, Walks her in to the room. She felt like walking the full the green mile, suddenly…She is so in clear, aware why did she came back.
And while he was asking her,

-“would you like some to drink”

Her favorite quote ran trough her “Quod me nutrit, me destruit”,

Leaving her totally stained.
“No, thank you, she politely replied” but wasn’t actually referring to offered drink  …
” you are so wonderful to look at , you remind me of Miller s Mona… you are like this perfect film character in perfect performance ..The way you move, talk …mimique”

Thoughts in her head , deep cuts, yeah I bet I am , wonderful to look at ,unexceptional performer, yet , so ugly to known  , once you get to know me you’ll discard me , you shall betray me , like everyone else I’ve welcomed in to  my life ,so, she pulls her “other” self in stage ,and the performance has begun .

-You know there are several of me, and am I about to commit acts for which I may or may not be responsible!!!
She started talking, and the session has begun.

He stared at her, patiently. Listening and watching hers as always

Brilliant performance. Brilliant cover up. Brilliant disguise…
She could not stop performing; if she stops, she shall be unbound.
The anger within him accumulates. He referred to her, pronouncing thus little, few words:
” Why do i get to see just a glimpses of you, just for a milliseconds, why do you hide from me? You know?

While saying so little, He offended her so much so deeply…

Doesn’t he knows, how much of me, have I already let him see?

He continued his words, with look in his eyes that pierced right through her…

-“I don t even like …like? I despise … I hate “her” .you know, “her”? Yeah? The other dear to you , “you” I hate that bitch. He loses control, adding, to his sharp mean attitude, more of those few words that changed theirs already strange, codex crossed therapy relationship, forever…

– “I wouldn’t even fuck her”

She was looking at him ...he wants me unbound. He wants me. What dose he want?
David Lyinch s, “lost highway” theme slowly visualizing in front of her eyes “unbound” tune   played repeatedly in her soul.  “No borders. No fences. No walls.

Unbound…”

He looked like he would just take her and absolutely shamelessly had her right there in his “right a wrong” office.

He looked like he is in struggle, like he is; now, the ambivalent one, the therapist and the man in him were now transparently divided .He was so undeceive, if he would,

Fuck? Love? Treat? Or protect her? as he once told her on previous sessions
yes …Undecided and struggled …He looked like, he felt like.
The moment as she processes her own thoughts “he felt like that to me  …He felt…Felt…To me…Felt…he…me ”
She was in the same struggle as he was. She wanted him to fuck her, love her, treat her, and protect her … except one part; she was very comfortable with dividing…
She wonders how he would analyze this…

He kept with his insane wording about her love life

-”And that Fillip, he is an idiot, and why did you let yourself be with him? He treated you badly! He took you to hotel? What you are a whore? Don t you know you deserve better?
she fought back

-” Leave it alone, he is a kid, what a fuck, did you expect him to do, or to be? He is just weak boy, and let it go already; I have already let it …so why can t you? And hotel dose not make you a whore…you know…The person you are with dose, and that person will make you feel like that, no matter where you are or what you do, don t You know better?”You idiot, fuck you.”
-“did you just told me I m an idiot? Is it like that now?
-“yes, it is “she said

The atmosphere in the room was getting unstandable and tense; the air around them was getting thicker from absorbing deadly pressured intoxication from unreleased desire for each other. Compressed by using abnormal amount of energy in demand to abstain on each other was making them mad. Eventually, like in all chaotic theories, theirs own energy turned to abolishment firebomb and was backfiring at their own selves.

It was clear, in that one split of second that this is not therapy…

Not for either of them. …not at all!

He got quite.

She got quite. Both sited, each one in it s one chair on it s own place, two feet on the ground, but suspended in thick air, they were staring at each other. Enjoying the silence. Silence like a glass, filled with this, perfect understanding…

She smiled …so did he!

He have broken the prefect and started  talking , like many times before , she had no idea what in the world was he just saying  …She just stared at him.

Imagining the unimaginable with him, capsized on the edge of safe…

She was distant non-existent.

You have no idea, what have I just said, do you?
-No, I don not, I have no fucking idea…

-“Do you want a cigarette?”
-“Yeah I do” …
they both lighted up…

Like two lovers after violently passionate fuck.

-“You know … This relation of ours is becoming so abnormal, we are not in therapist -patient connection anymore, aren’t we?” she tuned serious voice.
-“No, we are not”

His answer was so clear and bold. She kind of expected him to deny, she thought he’ll say, some psychology shit…But he did not, and continued :
-“NO, we are not in that relation ,and we never wereand tell me what are we going to do about it ?”

He kept looking her right in eyes; made her turn her head other way, wondering so what in the world was I actually  doing with you  for previous 6 months.

She felt ashamed and insanely pleasant and unpleasant at the same time.

It s as if your wish coming true, but once you got it you do not know what do to with it. All she could say was:

-“Nothing .Will do, absolutely nothing. We, Will pass that, and continue therapy, cuz to me, you have to remain as you are .I can t look at you now in different way. I just can t. at this point I m not ready to give up on that part of you ,that is actually  my therapist .you see, that would be disrespectful  to both of us, don t you think ?”

Of course, it was half lie and the half-truth, still she wondered; maybe it is a test … psychological test, so he can analyze her response. However, it was her plea to him. on the same time, Test and sign for him to keep on, wording, unrolling, and offering more of himself on the subject and objects in question. They were testing each other.Neither of them wanted to concretely and specifically suggest on” what are they going to do about it “ Because, the one, who said some, suggested some or acted on it  first, would take certain responsibility for being the starter,  meaning, that later on, can and will probably be blamed for the whole thing. 

He lean to her, took her hands in his, and told her

-“I just don t want you to be multiply with me, I don t want your performance. I want you. I don t want to talk to the bitch anymore, I want you, cuz you are wonderful and so amazing .I want you to share yours true emotions with me.”
She still could not t look him in the eyes. She got so scared. She is scared to show real her to the man in him, not the therapist in him. He touch the very weak breaking point, he wanted, one thing she was terrified to do.
-“I can give you her, but to you, as therapist, not to you as a man. Cuz as therapist, you cannot hurt me. Moreover, you are trained professional after all, you are not allowed to hurt me, which comforts me, that s my safe zone. It s all about classifications in my mind.”
– I m a man first, then therapist. He replied

That statement left her even more frightened. She did not know what to think of all of it, anymore.

She wanted the mud, but didn’t wanna get her hands dirty. She kept her pure and innocent, infantile theme going on. She wanted to preserve that image of her in his eyes of therapist and human , fearing he might discriminate and demoralized her if she proceed like a woman , on the other hand , she was terrified to continue being just a patient, and degraded, subside and push away male in him.

What she wanted from him, not even Freud himself could not give her…She lusted after him, she wanted him, but also she needed him to do and fulfill his role as her therapist.

She wanted him to be DIVISIBLE, as she was, and satisfied both of her selves.

– “No, no, no …you are trained professional, she kept repeating herself …and, as that I shall give you myself.”
but … look at me … he was still holding her hands in his.. Look at me, I am a manI m just a man!

That very moment she slipped her hands from his, panicky reached out for her purse, and took out her sedatives. Non-prescripted to her, prescription, lovely pink once, drugs, “Lex” as she nick named them. He knew she is abusing prescription drugs, she felt comfortable enough to share that with him, on previous sessions she told him boldly and so openly, as she was to herself about it:”I m addicted to sedatives” He did not by any means approved or gave her any, but he understood where that need for “lex” is coming from. He never told her to drop it, nor did he judged her, or forcingly and tyrannously wanted to change her ways, like all other men in her life tried to do so.

He was taking her for what she is. she pleasured that so much about him. It s she was granted a permission for first time in her life to be what she is. But isn’t that, what psychologist do, not what men in your life do, psychologists are there to make you comfortable with yourself, judgment free and men are there usually to modify you for themselves. Nevertheless, exactly that was the biggest contradictory about him, cuz he was judging her and criticizing her on relationships with other man so harshly. He was the one that told her on behave of her own benefit, if you do not separated from that man you are with, I’ll not do therapy with you anymore.

“The road to Hell is often paved with good intentions and desires” 
Confused and shaken as she was, she dropped few Lexes on little night table between patient bed and therapist sits. Just the table was now on the side, not in between two of them. She took a notice on the placement of that table, and that notice was the crucial one.
Yes, there they were…trying to put all cards openly on the table …but, what is the point of the cards being open, when table is on the side? Was the table always on the side, or her perspective just got really twisted?  Did she know about position of the table from the beginning, or did she just take a notice? Maybe she knew subconsciously, and now consciously become aware of it? No. Of course she have suspected , felt it ,but … they had a line , codex line , very thin, unstable curvy line , that they were pushing and flexing, how and when they wanted, perfidiously and gently enough not to rupture it. Look at them now ….

There they were. In his office, surrounded with tranquilizers, lust, substance and relationship abuse. Banding over that very same line. Like curving and flexing it, wasn’t doing them satisfaction no more …in need to indulge one another deeper. There they were, with just one foot in the air, crossing it, barely touching, but curies enough to feel whatever is on other side of the line, tempted to put the foot down and feel what kind a ground is over there. Carefully, very carefully cuz they knew it might cause them to fall over endlessly, right to the ambis.

Let s go, she said. Stood up , turned her back to him and headed for a door … she couldn’t  even turn around to look at him .They use to shake hands and say goodbye on the end of sessions , this time , there were no shaking hands , no goodbye …felt awkward, too awkward.
She just kept going , already one foot out of the door , one foot over the line , she hoped she shall cross, cross this line, the good line of a good escape … He grabbed her by arms , turned her around , and pulled her to him. On his gestures, all over his face and in his eyes, she saw; really saw for the first time all the passion for her, which lay within him. … The amount of it was scary, yet so tempting. It was the epitome of the forbidden and the low braking contempt desires .100 % pure lust, uncontrollable beast, trying to get tasty deadly toxic feast. Such an amount of lust, need and desire was something she never seen  in any man before, the amount of her need, lust and desire to submit to his powers. It was brand new developing feeling ,something she never felt before.

Feeling was so strong it literally was hurting her .physically hurting her …

She felt like he took the smallest seizers, made sudden harsh deep stub in her lower abdomen and then start slicing her up, slowly, delicately, surgically precise, so she can really enjoy the feeling of slicing, inch by inch, cut by cut till she turns into two halves. Now she officially knows how dose it feels to be sliced and divisive, not just mentally, but, physically as well. But That s all right, cuz she liked it …. every second of it .

As fast as he grabbed her, he let her go … he took deep breath, and hold it. He switched control button on. Placing his foot back in front of the imaginary, indeed “imaginary” codex line …and let her know, that he did.  It was premeditated move by him in order to let her know and feel then when he let go, she will not want him to, she shall twitch and bend craving, begging for more and more of him. As he predicted and guided her thoughts followed in his imposed direction.

Her mind was pulsing …What is the point of letting go now, when he know me so well, he know he planted a seed. She walked to the exit, thinking, you are my hotel California , I could entered any time I liked and I did , but i can never leave …Felt like freaking Stockholm syndrome, like Pluto and Proserpine…

That is  what they are ,abnormal  amount of lust, abnormal  amount of codex violation,  abnormal  amount of manipulation , abnormal  amount of egos , abnormal  amount of addiction , abnormal  amount of abnormal . The abnormal of all abnormal. The maniacs.

She walked out, while walking home …she wanted to think, but desires were too intense, there were no place and no space for rationalization in her head. As soon as she got home, She stared analyzing, their action from psychological view. Again, she was scientifically justifying, all that happen and all of theirs actions. She took all of Freud’s literature, and started making excuses for the two of them. Assigning roles… She finally declared it, based on Freud’s theories, as erotic transference .She knew so very well, there is no fucking transference taking place … just lust, and that is what it always was, from day one. She was folding and unfolding all theirs sessions, she knew, what was going on. She remembered their first session ,while she complaining  about men describing “that I shall never understand  , why men obsess about me …but soooo not in good way .they can not let go of me ..For freaking fucking years … possession obsession pathology…..that’s description for my “love” stories” That was the moment when he told her , she is so tempting and sexual to him , that it is very hard for even him to control himself, let alone other men … She remembered…Remembered??

No, she never ever forgot it. How could she, when that was the basis of their therapy. Mutual therapy. They liked theirs games, they were indulging theirs egos, and they were playing with fire. Above all, they were feeding on each other, they were perfectly complimenting each other and none of them wanted to stop. None of their actions were never subconscious.

She knew it will eventually lead to what happen that evening and much more, sometimes as Freud says “a cigar is just a cigar“, but, she needed excuse so badly.

Few days after, she wrote him few emails … she was giving her scientifically justified analyzing … each and every one of those mails was in contradiction to one another. Those were nothing but her way to run and hide …she tried to reach therapist in him, to awake it in him .He never replied, on her emails. She felt betrayed. She asked him to talk and walk her through those feelings, she had to talk about it, she asked him in these exact words “I need you to snap me out of this trippin.I want you to tell me, that this is erotic transference. I want you to guide me through this process  and I want you to tell me that what I m feeling I am actually not feeling , and that , this is  just a part of my healing treatment. “. She wanted simple textbook example, she wanted out of this lust and wanted more of it at the same time. she couldn’t admit it , simple truth , that , all that was going on ,is as simple as it is , while she was going  to the therapy because of one man she thought she felt  deeply in love with, she did actually felt and falling in lust for another man …and it was right there in front of her , all off the time .
In addition, that another man is no other than, hers happily married psychologist!
During the process of therapy ,she was also falling in love with his brilliant mind , and she didn’t  want to lose that by any chance , intellectual connection , is the most important thing in the world for her , and she never have ever respected a man in that way . Him, she did. She was admiring him, admiring his intelligence, the thought of losing that was just too sad, and too much of a lost, too much to sacrificed for lust. That kind an intellectual connection is extremely, unquestionably rare and beautiful as well. Intellect or lust? One of those must be lost , she knew , oh did she knew so very well  that , once lust steps in play , all other human connections are to be terminated and lost for good . But what when intellect is foundation and cause of that same lust?
…. Days past by, and when he didn’t reply her messages and mails, she finally had to admit, He was letting her know, he is withdrawn .It s done! That the damage is done. She was trying to undo THE UNDONE.
..Topic of cancer…One-step forward two steps back …cannot be doable on this matter

Her soul was punchered. Her mind was filled with all kind of punctuated thoughts ruptured emotions and moral dualities due an uncontrollable need..  What can she do? Is there anything she can do? She was blaming him, for ignoring her. He is unattainable She is extinguished… She felt like he made woman out of her and didn’t even had her, like man should … Still unfinished as she was like woman she lusted for him. The key to her Completeness was in feeling him. At same time a little girl inside cried for her s therapist to come back! There was nothing else that she could of think about, but him. For the first time in her life, she hated this division in her … she felt very insane with blame, questioning, self-analyses, regret, and sadness. She was missing him; she missed talking to him, counting on him to back her up.  Most of all she missed his opinions and advices ….his protection!

Yet she could not act on any of that. He did not allow her to act on any of that.
SHE came TO HIM CRAZY SHE WENT FROM HIM INSANE. And who is going to treat her for that, if he won’t? 

to be continued …….

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